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He/She/They are...:
As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
He's
as bent as a butchers hook
He's as happy as a Pig in shit
About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box
About
as subtle as a flying brick
She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum
She's more nervous than a long-tailed
dog in a room full of rocking chairs
He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
As tight as a
Camels arse in a Sand-storm
As nervous as a turkey at Christmas
As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
About
as interesting as watching paint dry
I've seen/She's got...:
I've seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard
I've seen better
hands on a clock
She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.
She's got
half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo
She ran off quicker
than shit off a shovel
She's as fit as a butchers dog
She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag
He/She is/has:
His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender
Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.
As rare
as a brass monkey's bollocks
About as usefull as a blind 1-armed bank robbber.
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum
cleaner
This guy is all foam, no beer.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
About as useless as a
jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.
A legend in his own mind...
He's an expert on padded cells.
He couldnae
engineer his way outta paper bag!
About as popular as pork-pie at a Jewish wedding.
Dialogues:
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with
her old one?
Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for
Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.
Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full
permission!
Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain:
My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?
Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
Teacher: Well, I don't
suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.
Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don't know.
Jim: A snow-covered
mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper:
I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
if I don't
know how to spell the word in the first place?
Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don't need to heat
hot water!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some
change in me.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long
have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't!
What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything
on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.
Teacher: Joey, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.
Joey: Ok, "If I told
my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on."
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am.
"Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here
goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
Pupil: Before Calculators.
Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?
When you don’t know where you’re going, you have to stick together just in case someone gets there.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
Deeply profound message: Quotes are for people who can't express themselves in a coherent manner.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure...
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
Unix for stability. Macs for productivity. Windows for solitaire.
Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive.
DRD: Department of Redundancy Department.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." So I installed LINUX.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.
When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
A glow worm is never glum... Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!
Stupid people and their quotes:
"It's really kinda cool to just be really creative and create something really cool."
-Britney Spears
“‘Hit me one more time’ doesn’t mean physically hit me! I think it’s kind of funny that people
would actually think that’s what it meant.”
-Britney Spears
"Teletubbies is the opiate of the people."
-John Reiter
"You're as ugly as sin and as stupid as my foot!"
-Elizabeth Bolles
"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
-Bruce Willis
on the difference between men and women
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Jack Nicholson
"No doubt economy was hurt by 9-11"
-George W. Bush
"We don't know if they're hiding in caves with doors open or caves with doors closed."
-George W. Bush
"They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. So technically, if you kill a guy who's schedualed to
speak, you're doing him a favor."
-Scott Adams
"The future isn't what it used to be."
-Gerrit Jeelof
"Winter related injuries occur more often in the winter."
-newswoman for WHIZ-TV, Zanesvill Ohio
"Where you present when your picture was taken?"
-testimony from court records
Attorney: What is the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am
I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
-testimony
from court records
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney:
Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.
-testimony from court records
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up
also?
-testimony from court records
Attorney: Did he kill you?
-testimony from court records
"I'm going through eye exercise therapy, strengthening my eyes. I'm supposed to...like, rest them."
-Martha Stewart,
on why she slept through an Al Gore speech
There's a fine line between participation and mockery
-Scott Adams
Either that girl is flirting with me, or my paranoia is finally trying to do something positive
-Brad Yung, 1998
A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she
knows what her asshole does when
she has an orgasm."Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."
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A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and
the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get
to the airport he could get himself home.
So
he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number,
his address,
etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my
cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike
to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One
year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time
he
won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back
to the airport. Well who
should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused
to give him a ride when he was
down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy
pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for
a
ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the
reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?"
"What?!!!
Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into
the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions,
with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a
ride
to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as
they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a
big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
More people are killed by pigs or falling coconuts than shark attacks.
The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.
There is an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
There are 3 times 10 to the 33rd power (3,000 quintillion) individual living things on this planet
of which, 75% are bacteria, and 0.00000000000000000000013% are human beings.
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| Baby Shayna!! so cute! |
You might be a redneck if....
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
You can take your bra off while driving.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You have to dress up the kids to go to Kmart.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Driving through Texas
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and
the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and
walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that f@@@@r would've tried
that shit with me!'"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their
wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who
was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here,
put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice
the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's
right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget
it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With
that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far
as
his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She
said, "That's right and that's the way it's going
to be until
your goddamned attitude changes!"
Two farmers were leaning over a fence discussing Christmas, when the first farmer says that he has bought his wife a fur
coat and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas. The second farmer asks why he bought her a Mercedes and a fur coat. The first farmer
replies that if she doesn't like the coat she can drive in the Mercedes to take it back. The second farmer nods his head as
if understanding the reasoning behind the answer. The first farmer asks the second what he got his wife for Christmas. He
replies that he bought his wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator. The first farmer asks why he bought these combination of
presents. The second farmer replies that if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.
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