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The following stuff is msn names:
"If you're so smart, how come you're not me?"
"Even if you added up your life and Lucas' life, you still wouldn't have a life."
[types randomly]
"Is this a program?"
"Damn."
[types randomly]
"Is
this a program?"
"Damn."
...
"Where's the soap?"
"In the fridge, moron!"
"Don't bring that in here - Kiran will just line his nest with it."
"I perfected that sound over many, many years of making fun of people."
"Of course... in hyperspace!"
"Do I look normal now?"
"No, you're twitching too much."
"Haven't I taught you guys anything? You always have to tell someone when
they smell."
"He doesn't really use vi - he uses pansy vi."
"Whenever we have these arguments, I'm the only one who gives actual facts."
"Where
do you get them from? Right-wing Jew Monthly?"
"Happiness is a zero-sum game."
"I don't really care for those pot-head losers in the ASM."
"What should I do?"
"Do something, do nothing. Do whatever you want. It doesn't
matter."
"You think you're better than me because you shower? You know what you are? You're
one of the bathing elite."
"Whoa! It says here 'optional'! Good thing they warned me."
"This is yet another instance where everything goes to hell because people aren't
enough like me."
"You're filthy!"
"Oh yeah?" [Picks off and throws a hunk of hardened clay that
was encrusted on pant leg]
"You've been like a mentor to me. When I first came here, I was bubbling with enthusiasm
and good will. Under your guidance I have become cynical and lazy."
"Thanks. I'd shake your hand, but you're not worth
it."
"I may have to go to class, but you're losing thousands of dollars."
"I would never share. I don't like sharing."
If you like me, I'll relish you. If you love me, I'll treasure you. If you hurt me, I'll DESTROY you.
It's a small world. You gotta use your elbows a lot.
If you let someone kick you once, they'll kick you once. If you let someone kick you three times, they'll kick you three
times, but if you reach out and break that guy's foot, ain't no more kickin' gonna be goin' on.
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all
the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?
Whatever it takes.
I think a lot of people look at me and say that I'm weird. But what I've noticed - and this used to worry me a lot when
I was little - is that I don't know one normal person. I've never met one, actually. We all have our special, odd little things,
and we should be proud of that.
It's the friends you can call at 4am that matter.
Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
We will either find a way, or make one.
Understand. I'll slip quietly away from the noisy crowd when I see the pale stars rising, blooming, over the oaks. I'll
pursue solitary pathways through the pale twilit meadows with only this one dream: you come too.
There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to go forth and be vicious!
If you think back and replay your year, and it doesn't bring out tears of joy or sadness consider it wasted.
Don't necessarily play to win. Do play not to lose.
The danger of trying to tell people things is that they pick up on the facts they like and let the others take a running
jump.
Nothing should be out of reach of hope. Life is hope.
There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely - or dragging out some
false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in it's hypocrisy demands.
Bygones.
A cause is not worth dying for. You only get one life, but you can pick up another five causes on any street corner.
Just when you're getting a grip on things, fate comes along and jumps on your fingers.
You don't make a soul strong by walking all over it. You make dents.
If you haven't got respect, you haven't got anything.
Happiness is not the natural state of mankind, and is never achieved from the outside in.
Personal isn't the same as important.
The path to wisdom begins with a single step. Where people go wrong is ignoring the thousands of other steps that come
after it. They decide to become one with the universe and forget to do the things that would give it any kind of meaning.
Normality is what you make it.
The phrase 'someone ought to do something' is not, in itself, helpful. People never add 'and
that someone is me'.
Most people go through the world with their eyes shut and their brains set to 'simmer'.
Bad things don't only happen to bad people.
Never mind what should be, or what might be, or what ought to be. It's what things are that's important.
Don't sweat the small stuff, and remember, it's all small stuff.
To reject risk is to reject life.
Belief is a powerful thing.
Every day when I wake up, I ask myself if I am happy. Because if I don't, I forget that I am.
Better to burn out than fade away.
You never know your strength until you're tested.
In real life, no decision is clearly signposted. It's not like you take the right turning and you get everlasting happiness
and you take the wrong one and your life's a disaster. In real life it's often well nigh impossible to tell which decision
is the one you should make because what you stand to gain and what you stand to lose is sometimes - often - neck and neck.
You make your own timing. You only miss the moment if you don't seize it. Because you're too afraid of what might happen
if you do.
Everybody is weak. Everybody fails. Being strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's every day. It's what
we have to do.
Feel the fear, and do it anyway.
We cannot choose what we are; yet what are we but the sum of or choices?
We see everything through a glass, darkly. Sometimes we can peer through the glass and catch a glimpse of what is on the
other side. If we were to polish the glass clean, we'd see much more. But then we would no longer see ourselves.
If you don't understand my silence, you can't understand my words.
Never apologize, never explain.
It's not too late. One day, it will be.
This is a fork in the road. It's just a choice. We can say, this is too hard, and quit. Or we can say, this is the bad
part, the good part is just around the corner. We can decide we're going to make it.
Better die standing than live on your knees.
Yesterday is history. Tomarrow's a mystery. Today I'm still alive.
No-one's going to give you power. You have to take it.
Life is struggling to do the impossible - to succeed or die, knowing you have tried.
Never refuse an experience.
Doing the right thing can never be measured by the outcome of events. Judge yourself by what you do, not what happens afterwards.
Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not knows no release from little things, knows
not the livid loneliness of fear, nor mountain heights where bitter joy can hear the sound of wings.
In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?
There's moments in your life that make you, set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle
moments. Sometimes ... they're not. Even if you see them coming, you're never ready for the big moments. So what are we, helpless?
Puppets? No. Nobody asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. The big moments will come, can't help that. It's
what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are ... who you will be.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time
to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep
and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace
and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and
a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a timw to hate, a time for war and a time for
peace.
You do what you must and you have to walk it all alone.
Believe in fate, but lean well forward so she can see you.
Just go in there and remember - you're fantastic.
Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life.
Avoid unpleasantness.
What do you want to remember?
No fear, no limits.
Show me a person who doesn't have a past and I'll show you a boring bastard.
Live dangerously. Always start from hope.
Nobody will give you power. You have to take it.
Fashion is a competition between people to see who can look the
most like a retarded clown.
>
When you get up from your clean, non-wobbly table, I will know..And
i will take it.
>
HAMSTER! I don't care if you live in a cage, you still don't need
to trade me cigarettes for favours!
>
Quick Tip: Speak softly and carry a big stick around with you wherever
you go.
>
>Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
>into my own pants.
>
>Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
>relative.
>
>I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I
>said Implants?" She hit me.
>
>I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
>
>I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
>
>I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
>get elected.
>
>Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
>words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
>
>A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
>friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
>
>I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
>loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
>wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
>
>When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
>"chunky dunk."
>
>Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
>tell the difference.
>
>Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
>
>Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
>they can in prison? (good point)
>
>If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
>started with something called LABOR! (true!)
>
>Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go,
>but FAT cells live forever.
>WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
>Dam.
>
>WHAT
DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
>Polaroids.
>
>WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
>A stick.
>
>WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
>Nacho cheese.
>
>WHAT DO
YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
>Subordinate Clauses.
>
>WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
>Quattro
sinko.
>
>WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
>Spoiled milk.
>
>WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU
CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
>Frostbite.
>
>WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
>A
nervous wreck.
>
>WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
>Right where you left him.
>
>WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
>Anyone can roast beef.
>
>WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
>Because they have big fingers.
>
>WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
>Sanka.
>
>WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
>Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
>
>WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
>A bad golfer goes whack, d*mn. A bad sky diver goes d*mn,
whack.
>
>HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
>Unique up on it.
>
>HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME
RABBIT?
>Tame way, unique up on it.
>
>WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
>Skeet.
>
>WHAT
GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
>An Amish drive-by-shooting.
>
>HOW ARE TEXAS TORNADOS
AND TENNESSEE DIVORCES THE SAME?
>Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
·._.·Sometimes you're the windshield-([
[`°.Sometimes you're the bug(.
*EeT mOw ChIkIn*
(*)«´¨`·..Rûß m¥ tûmm¥ fð® gøðd £ûck..·´¨`»(*)
-»¦«-BoO
BOoM-»¦«-
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why
do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
. If you are cross-eyed
and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you fall seven times, how many times do you stand up?
Truth
hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."
You know when you're rocking
in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's
how I feel all the time.
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering
them with ice cubes.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the
whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that man in the jury? I'd really like to sleep
with him. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?
You know your too stressed if you can hear mimes
An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order
The day Microsoft makes something that
doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture
Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet
I was playing
poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died
No husband has ever been shot while
doing the dishes
My mum told me that she learned to swim when someone took her out into the river and threw her off
the boat. I said 'ah...mum, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim...
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at
this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die
happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that
no glove...no love!!
if he is the first thing
u think of when u wake up, the only thing u think of when ure awake, and the last thing u think of when u go to sleep, then
he is really somthin special
GuYs aCt LyK DiX tO mAkE uP fOr ThA oNeS tHeY dOnT hAvE
Computers gotta be males
cause in order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
I hAd A pArTy LaSt NiGhT
yOu DiDn'T cOmE
bUt
Ur B/f DiD
tWiCe
* BanGin bOotY n sExy ThiGhs * * JuiCy LipS n sEduCtiNg eYez *
iLl b Ur wIsH
iLl
b Ur fAnSty
iLL b Ur dReAm
iLl B uR eVeRYtHInG
I can't make cherries pop, but i can make banana's cream...
Boys lie..........on top of gurls
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Theres 3 kinds of people, those who can count and those who cant
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mê & u
Why doesn't glue stick 2 the inside of the bottle?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected
expected?
do vegitarians eat animal crackers?
If a smurf is choking whut colour would he turn?
did
you kno they are taking the word 'gullible' out of the dictionary!!!!!
when someone annoys u remember, it takes 42
muscles to frown and only 4 to smack them
If a big fat guy jumps into ur window and puts u in a sack , dont stress,
i told santa i wanted u 4 christmas
i may be an angel, but don't stick me at the top of your christmas tree..i don't
fance getting branches shoved up my arese!
i see stupid people!!!
The only reason blondes have more fun is
because we're more easily ammused
i like the odd drink, 3 is odd, 51 is odd.....
Sticks and stones may break
my bones, but whips and chains excite me.... throw me down and tie me up... show me that u like me
THE SKY IS BLUE
& WATER IS WET ILL MAKE U CUM I'LL MAKE U SWEAT PRESSED AGAINST MY BODY MOVIN UP AND DOWN
SLOWLY BUT FIRMLY WELL MOVE
DA GROUND
"eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, suk me, f**k me, very slowly, if u kiss me, don't be sassy, use
ur tongue and make it nasty "
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not 2 pet the sweaty things
*My
fantasy of us turned to make believe, all thats left are my shattered dreams*
~sometimes majority only means all the
fools are on the same side~
*falling in love is awfully simple, falling out of love is simply awful*
~its
better to let someone think your an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it~
*kisses are like tears...only the
real ones ya cant hold back*
*If at first you dont succeed skydiving isnt for you*
~Moving on is simple, its
what you leave behind thats so hard~
*I'd rather be disliked for who i am than liked for who i'm not*
~the
harder you fall the higher you bounce~
*regret is insight that came a little too late*
*the only difference
between falling and failing is whether or not you decide to get back up again*
*the scariest part is walking away
from you and never feeling for the rest of my life, the way i feel when i'm with you*
~Pride is tasteless, sizeless,
and colorless but its the hardest damn thing to swallow~
*you may laugh because i'm different but i laugh because
your all the same*
~a million words would not bring you back, i know because i'v tried....neither would a million
tears, i know because i'v cried~
~i'm one of those bad things that happens to good people~
StAnDiNg sTiLl
CaN Be A mOvInG ExPeRiEnCe
ScReW TwiZzLeRS!! i'LL MaKe YoUr MoUtH HaPPy
So it seems in Darker Hours, Evil
wins and Kindness cowers, Ruled by Violence and by vice, here we stand upon thin ice
1. I was so poor growing up ...
if I wasn''t a boy ... I''d have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on
over; nobody''s
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked.
I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He
said, "Because you came home early."
5.
It''s been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and
the handle came
off. I''mafraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept
covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.
8.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I''m
so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor
came into the waiting room and said to
my father, "I''m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I''m so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped
and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw
a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we''ll ever find them?"
He said,
"I don''t know kid. There''s so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday.
15. I''m so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I''d get.
16. I went
to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What''s wrong
with
me?" He said..."I don''t know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I''d swallowed
a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got
no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19.Some dog I got.
We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for
birth control.
21. My uncle''s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to run a piss ant's go-kart around the inside of a donut.
Va
te faire foutre et Va chez le diable! Si j'avais ta tête a la place du cul j'aurais honte de chier.
Fuck you're ugly!
Did your mother shit you out?
You're as useful as a handbrake on a canoe.
What's the difference between your
tie and a dog's tail? The dog's tail completely hides the asshole.
If my ass looked anything like your face, I'd be
ashamed of taking a shit.
Was your cradle rocked too close to the wall?
You've got a face that would blow
off manhole covers.
Reality and you don't get on, do they?
Don't fart above your arsehole!
You don't
have to twist your ass to crap straight
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